Courtship and Marriage (Part 1)
The Secret to Finding a True Life Partner
It has been called the greatest mystery that faces humankind. The strongest and toughest men fall for it. Defying reason and logic it, carries its unsuspecting victim away on a tidal wave of emotion and feeling. The knees knock, the heart flutters, and he is swept away. It’s called, love. Hollywood has painted this romantic, rosy picture that we all gaze at in movies, TV, magazines and books. The “perfect” lover is out there somewhere. You just have to find her. She maybe on the other side of the world, but that’s ok. Sooner or later you will meet her. In the mean time, keep shopping. Hang out, date as many as you can, hoping that this time it’s for real. But then one day, by a stroke of luck, you meet her at the top of the Empire State Building in a thunderstorm. The eyes meet and it’s love at first sight. And you are carried away by an even bigger tide of emotion. This time it must be for real....
Though somewhat exaggerated by Hollywood, this is the picture that most people have in their minds of love. The question I want to ask is, is this the correct way of establishing a relationship? The answer can be obtained by looking at the world today and asking another question, is it working? Do we see millions of couples happily living together? On the contrary, we find divorce at the highest it has been in history and is still escalating. We find crime and violence on the increase as well. The books of heaven are burdened with woes and abuse, hidden under the family relation. The answer is no, no. The Hollywood formal for success is not the answer for a Godly relationship.
But, you may say, I don’t think that way. I’m a conservative Adventist. I don’t watch movies or read Hollywood books. That may be true, but whether you know it or not, it can have a secret hold on you. I know this to be the case from my own experience. You see, the Devil is very clever at instilling concepts in our minds that we don’t even recognise.
Find the Right Person
One of Hollywood’s main principals is that you must find the right person. The key to a successful relationship is finding the right person. Keep looking and one day you’ll find him or her. We often call it “window shopping”. We go to social gatherings and church functions hoping to meet “the right one”. But whether you know it or not, this is Hollywood. This is the Devil’s way to keep young people so caught up in this malaria of love that they run ahead of God and His plan for their lives. The result? The divorce rate in the church is the same as the world. What’s the problem?
The answer has been written in the pages of Inspiration for over one hundred years and still stands the test of time. Under the inspiration of God, Ellen White wrote:
“If there is any subject that should be considered with calm reason and unimpassioned judgment, it is the subject of marriage. If ever the Bible is needed as a counselor, it is before taking a step that binds persons together for life. But the prevailing sentiment is that in this matter the feelings are to be the guide, and in too many cases lovesick sentimentalism takes the helm and guides to certain ruin. It is here that the youth show less intelligence than on any other subject; it is here that they refuse to be reasoned with. The question of marriage seems to have a bewitching power over them. They do not submit themselves to God. Their senses are enchained, and they move forward in secretiveness, as if fearful that their plans would be interfered with by someone.Many are sailing in a dangerous harbor. They need a pilot; but they scorn to accept the much-needed help, feeling that they are competent to guide their own bark, and not realizing that it is about to strike a hidden rock that may cause them to make shipwreck of faith and happiness. . . . Unless they are diligent students of that word [the Bible], they will make grave mistakes which will mar their happiness and that of others, both for the present and the future life.” (Adventist Home p. 70)
Notice what God is saying here. The prevailing idea of courtship is that feelings are the guide. You go around looking for “the right person” and how do you know if someone is right? By how you feel about them, correct? Her looks, her dress, the way she talks or his smile and demeanour, or his strength. You get along well with them. Should this be the guide? I am reminded of a man in the Bible who had big problems in this area. His name was Samson. The Bible says,
“And he [Samson] came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. (Judges 14:2,3)
What was his reason for wanting her as his wife? “She pleaseth me well!”, or “I like her!” Is this the correct way of finding a partner? Certainly not, for we know the results of Samson’s relationships. So we can conclude that feelings should not be the guide for relationships.
If feelings are not the guide, then we can say goodbye to the concept of “looking” or “shopping” for a life partner. Because searching is doing it our way, rather than God’s. Why do I say that? It’s simple. God has a plan for your life. He also has just the right person picked out for you to match that plan, and He has the perfect time lined up for you to meet that person and to get married. If allowed to go according to His plan, everything will work out perfectly and you both will be happy. Now if you go about trying to find the right person, you have a 99.9% chance of finding the wrong person, at the wrong time, and in the wrong way, because we let feelings take the reins we run ahead of God and wonder why we get into trouble.
The Key
The key to a finding the right person is to stop looking. That may seem like a contradiction, but it’s true. Listen to what God’s messenger says:
“Marriage is something that will influence and affect your life both in this world and in the world to come. A sincere Christian will not advance his plans in this direction without the knowledge that God approves his course. He will not want to choose for himself, but will feel that God must choose for him. We are not to please ourselves, for Christ pleased not Himself. I would not be understood to mean that anyone is to marry one whom he does not love. This would be sin. But fancy and the emotional nature must not be allowed to lead on to ruin. God requires the whole heart, the supreme affections.” Adventist Home p. 43
God must choose for us. For we do not know who the right person is for us. Only God who understands the heart can truly know. Therefore, the key to a successful relationship is not about finding the right person, it is about being the right person. If you give yourself wholeheartedly to God and do your best in the work that lies nearest, He will guide you. You must be the right person. Then God will bring the right person to you.
Life is like a road we are all travelling. We all are on different roads, going different directions. God is leading us all on to the place where He wants us to be. But the problem with us, is that we like trying to help God out by taking shortcuts and running a bit faster to speed things up. And we wonder why we get lost sometimes, or fall and hurt ourselves. If it is in God’s plan, He will lead you to the right person who can walk your road with you. He will, by circumstances and providence, lead both of you so that your walks merge together and you will clearly see the road ahead. But if you see someone else that takes your fancy, and you take a short cut to be with that person on their road, you’ve not only left the road that God has placed you on, but if you continue, you will now miss the person that God has planned for you, because you let your feelings override conscience. This is why there are so many unhappy youth with heart ache and misery because they are trying to do it their way rather than God’s way.
So if you haven’t started a relationship yet, and are looking around for the right person, or if you are in a relationship, stop ask yourself, what do I really want? Do I want the world’s idea of a happy relationship, or God’s? Am I really following God's plan for my life? Surrender your life to God, and ask Him to guide you. Then do the work that God has given you with all your might.
Written by Joel Ridgeway - Highwood College Graduate
Comments for "Courtship and Marriage (Part 1)"
Sunday, 28 March, 2010
Thanks Joel. It is encouraging to know that even in this perverse generation God has kept his people pure and undefiled.
Keep it up
- JEDIDIAH LUMPA, Zambia
Monday, 21 December, 2009
Well done. Your article, backed by SOP and Bible, is definitely on the right track.
- Jayne Dold, Victoria, Australia
Sunday, 20 December, 2009
Thanks Joel!
I've never thought about it like this before.
- Emmanuel Higgins, Australia
